CIVILIANS ARE STILL HANGING TOUGH!

In Yet Another Sports Brief That Is No Less Than A Stunning Report; It is that the civilian population of Iraq still maintains a walloping lead over both the "good guys" and the "bad guys" as far as death toll is concerned!

On the news wire today, the death totals for July simply say it all;

1000 dead civilians
135 dead "good guys"
143 dead "bad guys"

That's right! That is a whopping ONE THOUSAND dead civilians in the month of July alone! Which of course doesn't sound like all that much when compared to things such as Cambodia.... Auschwitz and the like, but when seen directly in comparison with the number of casualties either side of the "MILITARY" engagement has incurred, it then becomes a rather impressive score.

We asked the leading members on both sides of this conflict, just how it is that they could explain such an incredible score?

Both sides had similar responses, leading many to believe that perhaps it was no longer a "good guys" against the "bad guys" conflict, but more a "good guys and bad guys" against the average bystander civilian forces which continue to lay some serious whoop ass on the pro guys in regard to racking up the casualties.

"We aren't really sure just how they are doing it, they must be cheating or something....." stated Sergeant Major Captain Ass Cap. "They just really got it on us out there, I guess" he continued with a shrug of his shoulders and a sort of sadness you might expect in a professional being so outshined by average, impoverished civilians.

"Si" said his trusty sidekick Private Lieutenant Pancho De Vacca e Perico Plastico Verga, "They are cheating! They just won't stay out of the way of our bullets and bombs... and they won't dance like sissies for us being mucho macho when we tell them to, either.... and that isn't good for our mucho macho self image, now is it? Besides, it really impresses the girls on Craigslist!"

"Yeah" Sergeant Major Captain Ass Cap added, "allot of 'em want us to cut off some testicles too! They say they want to wear them like a necklace!..... And" he paused, "I am more than pleased to fulfill my duty to the citizens of the civilized world in fulfilling such requests..... as long as the pesky international peace guy group don't catch us and make us pay a fine or something! Maybe they will use them as toy surprises or something... you know, in cereal boxes and T.V. dinners."

"Si" concurred Private Lieutenant Pancho De Vacca e Perico Plastico Verga, "We ain't payin' no stinkin' fines!"

Mr. Loophole again confirmed the obvious desire for these civilians to seriously kick some ass in the "scoring casualties" department, but could not be reached for further comment due to another rush of dead body counts he didn't want to miss out on.... just to make sure they weren't sandbagging or something.

CIVILIANS DEATHS SCORE HIGHER THAN OFFICIALS!

Sports Brief; Civilians still beating officials in the Middle East!

As reported today in the world wide press, Iraqi civilians are still walloping the hell out of official organizations when it comes to body count.

"These guys must really be looking for the big win" said Mr. Loophole of the international coalition for human rights. "They just keep piling up the wins like there is no tomorrow."

"Don't you think that the civilian death toll is absurd by any human standards on the planet" I asked Mr. Loophole of the human rights commission.

"Yeah" he responded, "they must be cheating or something... that is really a great score, isn't it?"

"Why is it that such an alarming number of civilian deaths seems to be run of the mill and accepted in the modern atmosphere?" I then asked respectfully of Mr. Loophole.

"As far as I can tell, it seems to have something to do with that hilarious quote from that Vietnam movie" he began, "where the reporter soldier guy, asks the helicopter gunner how he can shoot un-armed men, women and children... you know the one I am talking about" he then stated in a knowing manner, "and then the gunner guy says; It's easy! Ya' just don't lead 'em as much!"

"Yeah, that's a good one" I said sarcastically. "Just how to you figure they are going to justify all of the civilian deaths?" I then asked.

"That will be easier than making them think they are winning something" he replied, "ya' see, nobody really cares beyond the water cooler and office break room.... so we will just keep up with the idea that the civilians are actually winning and everyone will have topical stuff to chit chat about like they care and are getting some charma points..... those charma points are real important to make 'em think they are getting them."

"Yeah, charma is really something these days, isn't it?" I responded.

"Yep, and it is easy to get someone else's to spend it all up, too!" he then replied, "that's how I keep my job with the humanitarian firms, while actually doing nothing about the "big game" and the INSANE amount of DEAD CIVILIANS in this conflict. I just smile an nod... and say it is just a travesty and that we are getting right on it... and all of the celebrities follow suit which makes all of the lonely little wasted lives consumed by television game shows and the media, smile and nod and rest assured that they are members in good standing of the charma club as well as just plain ol' good citizens of the world."

"That does sound like quite the lucrative job" I responded as any good reporter would.

"Don't let it fool ya' any" he then said, "it's all gravy! There's really nothing to posturing behind someone else's professional reputation as if it were your own. You just stand there and let all of the charma chicks do the rest....." he continued, "it really doesn't get much better as far as job security is concerned... and if things get to hairy... like pressure from someone that actually got through the smoke screen.... we then just say that it is too big and scary and we can't find anyone that is actually COMMITTING SUCH ATROCIOUS AND FLAGRANT HUMANITARIAN VIOLATIONS IN THE FACE OF EVERYTHING HUMAN THAT HAS EVER BEEN ESTABLISHED. It really is a cool gig."

"That almost sounds too good to be true, doesn't it?" I asked quite literally altogether too astounded with the attitude coupled with the civilian death toll still permeating the conversation.

"Does, doesn't it" said Mr. Loophole, "you want a job?" he then asked. "I could put in a good word for you down at the humanitarian headquarters with one of the guys wives if you want... as long as you promise not to go actually addressing any of the EMBARRASSING AND FLAGRANT VIOLATIONS WHICH MONKEYS WOULD NOT COMMIT.... there really isn't room for anyone that is going to "rock the boat" if you know what I mean. Let me know..."

"I'll think about that" I then responded.....

"Yeah, you do that.... I'm tellin' ya' the money is great!" said Mr. Loophole as we ended our review of the scores in Iraq.

Mile High Stadium No Longer Actually A Mile High

Mile High Stadium is officially NOT a mile high. With the new construction and design, it has specifically been kept from attaining such a mark in the hopes of alleviating any former fears of being "a mile high."


This was done in an effort to widen the target market and boost attendance as research had shown that people were just plain old afraid of heights. Most people that didn't attend any functions at the former "Mile High Stadium" made such decisions because of a very common fear. That of being too high. It likens to the paranoia induced with modern marijuana use, studies have shown.


This was established beyond any doubt when it was pointed out that no one ever stays on the 18th step of the city hall there in Denver. The 18th step is said to be exactly one mile high. It obviously scares people.


In hopes of reclaiming those lost dollars, the new stadium has been purposefully designed to hover just under the one mile mark.


Many coach's and players have breathed a sigh of relief in this, knowing that it will mean less work for them to try and become accustomed to the atmosphere and climate at one mile high. Besides, many of them were tired of competing for locker room space with people doing everything that they could to get into the "mile high club" without having to risk flight in an airplane.


The architects and engineers of the new stadium have happily reported that the fans who actually attended Mile High for the "lite Headed" effect, need not worry... they have done everything they can to preserve the thrill of the effect between over consumption of alcohol and other substances and the natural altitude of the venue. In fact, plans have been revealed to use this facet for the purpose of a interactive element within the functions at the new Not Quite Mile High Stadium.


The beer booths have been positioned so as to create a "race track" type of feel. This will coordinate with sponsored competitions within the stadium for the fans in attendance. The object is very simple really, and performs the service of re-establishing and imposing the former effect of being drunker than shit more than a mile above sea level. The new system in the new stadium will require a bit of physical effort from those who are to participate.


Essentially, it was discovered that if a bunch of really drunk guys try to sprint from one beer booth to the next, chug a beer (or five or six), then again sprint for the next beer booth and so on....that the resulting physical effect on the participant is very near that of simply being blotto at 5,280 feet above sea level... especially when you are not used to it. It seems to happen faster as well.


Drunk, probably fat and half naked guys staggering around the arena should prove to retain that "old time" feel as well. Even in the event of cardiac arrest, passing out... vomiting....


Though no one could be reached for comment on this, it is widely known in the fan population that this activity is going to be at least as big as the sports themselves. There is even talk of including the visiting teams locker room sauna as a part of the course of action designed for the fans in attendance. An anonymous source was reported as saying that " there should really be no problem with including the locker rooms in the event... as all of the players will be out on the field during this procession... except maybe during the last lap... but that should be no problem really... the guys that are still in it on the last 'round the stadium, won't be in any shape to mess with anyone any how.... And in the event of drunk, naked guys and maybe some chicks, passed out in the locker room.... really, there isn't much there that's all that different anyhow... and you can just step over drunk guys passed out on the floor... these are professional athletes we are talking about... if they can't manage to step over a drunk guy... why are they making all that money as sports figures for? It wouldn't be very athletic to not be able to step over a drunk guy, now would it?"


The Photo included is short list of the new facilities, numbered for the purpose of identification;

#9- :Beer Booth's

#8- :The locker room sauna's

#1-7 and #10 - 12: Places that should have been more beer booth's

Patriots Utilize Top Secret, International Time Machine Generator Thing to Win Over the Steelers.

Sunday- The Patriots put the International Secret Society of Time Machine User Guys into a snit in the fourth quarter of their game with the Steelers on Sunday.

It is reported that somebody "pulled some strings" with the MIT guys and they provided a small window in the fabric of existence, for the purpose of adding 52 seconds to the game clock which secured enough time for the game winning field goal.

It is still not known what kind of damage an "unscheduled leap" such as what occurred during the game will do to the time line of humanity and existence, but no one really seems to care beyond knowing that the win goes to the Patriots and there's nothing the Steelers can do about.... especially given that none of them have access to the codes for the I.S.S.T.M.U.G. any longer.

"This was a one time deal....uh.... again." Said the coaching staff for the Patriots. "Not just anyone is special enough to get access to the I.S.S.T.M.U.G. frequencies and access codes."

"The damage should be minimal to our time line" said Professor Noodlehead... "it's no where near the damage produced by atom bombs or nuclear tests.....and really, it was well worth it.... and besides... who could resist? No one can remember much about it, anyway... those kids did pretty good.... they just messed up a little on the "re-entry alignment".... if they hadn't slipped there, no one would remember a thing about it. Not a thing. YEAH! GO PATS!"

Representatives of the "MIT Mess With I.S.S.T.M.U.G. Student Union" commented briefly on the matter;

"The only real problem at all with this, is just going to be smoothing it out with the "Vegas" type guys... you know the sports book people..... all they really care about is the bottom line, and most of them don't know much past T.V. about Quantum Physics... and time travel dillies and things... not to mention appreciation of what we pulled off here... YEAH GO PATS!... the I.S.S.T.M.U.G. didn't have much to say about it past the usual slap on wrist and media posturing.... really the time line and the fabric of existence is pretty flexible..... we get in on those guys allot... the I.S.S.T.M.U.G. guys that is.... it's been going on so long that it's almost a prerequisite these days for a job in the field, to have pulled a few of these...... but don't tell anybody... it's kind of like our little 'in' thing.... we just have a good time with each other..... I guess we'll just have to get the Patriots guys to kick the Vegas peeps some V.I.P. packages for some games, or something..... they'll cover it... at least they better."

The N.F.L. declined comment, citing the fact that "This stuff is just way over Maddens head.... so.... what ever those guys say is good enough for us."

Suicide over Murder 3-1 in the Bay State

(Mass) - Suicide has beat out Murder 3-1 in a much contested match that still has many scratching their heads with indecision.

"What can we say," quipped Murder's head coach Mr. Sociopath "they just beat us out there today, is all..... it isn't like we played a bad game..... we even out played ourselves in allot of places.... they were just in the zone... really on their game."

"Yeah, it feels good! It feels real good!" Exclaimed Coach Snivelpuss of the Suicide organization... "these guys really deserve it.... you know... they really deserve the win, they worked hard out there.... they did a bang up job getting it.... no one, and I mean NO ONE can take it from them now!"

There are many people that want more facts from these two clubs, but both coaching staffs are still really tight lipped, as are many of the players. "Really" said one avid fan, "how can you blame either of the teams for not wanting to risk divulging their winning stratagies.... it isn't like either team really lost out there, you know... they both played one heck of a game...... I wouldn't tell anyone my winning secrets... even if I lost such a close match... there's always next season."
Snivelpuss did issue a statement but in true great coaching form, Snivelpuss gave all of the credit to outstanding performance from loads of suicidal talent;"I can't accept any awards beyond a share in the winning recognitions.... it was all about the players out there... they are really the reason for such a great win.... all I did was stand on the sideline really.... I had the pleasure this season to coach some really fabulous... some magnificent.... some incredibly talented suicidal members of a great organization... an indescribably cohesive network of individuals. Each and every one of them always had their head in the game. What can I say really? Who could ask for, much less expect such a blessing?"

Coach Sociopath issued a brief comment from the locker room;

"Our people killed out there! There's nothing to be ashamed of... we played a really fabulous game... we can't even say that we beat ourselves. Suicide just gave a really outstanding performance.... Nothing can take any of that from any of us. Massachusetts is just really lucky to have not one, but two outstanding sporting organizations such as Murder and Suicide in the same state. Yeah, I know there are others around the country, but hardly any with as much class and talent. Some of these guys will go on to National and International levels. They are that good at what they do.... and it will be my pleasure to be there to watch them perform, as it should be for anyone... especially knowing that we were there when they got their start.... it's a wonderful opportunity to continue to be a part of something that is truly wonderful in many ways. I certainly hope that the Murder and Suicide organizations continue to contribute to society at such an incredible level. Our very deep and sincere thanks to all of our wonderful sponsors. As for the Murder Squad... we are already looking forward to next season and already recruiting loads of new and explosive talent. See you all opening day!"

Next season is already expected to be a continuation of a very publicized rivalry between these two clubs. The sports books are already laying odds on the outcome. Several new comers already have the sporting world in a rather excited tone.... rest assured there will be no lockout or strikes in this league anytime soon.

We will bring you further coverage of scores from around the country and world as they are tallied and issued.

N.B.A. Threaten Walk Out!

The smell of the locker room was no different today, but the mood was. As spokesman Michael Jordan broke the news and Shaq broke wind.... the basketball world was turned on it's ear (while pinching it's nose).

In the official statement the type print reads like demands from a hostage note. Each word laced with the very real threat of no more N.B.A. unless the players themselves (no coach's except former players) are given their own country to populate. The demands are quite vague in regard to which country.... as it was stated that none of the players actually care, as long as it is theirs and everyone else has to leave (except for Paul Allen and Mango from Saturday Night Live).

Many suspect billionaire Paul Allen and Mango from Saturday Night Live fame to be behind this movement (let's just hope they weren't behind Shaq), with Paul Allens highly publicized affinity for basketball (or maybe just the hot, sweaty, muscular players) and Mango's decidedly NOT publicized cavorting "on the down low" with most of the N.B.A. Many suspect Paul Allen as a culprit as well for political reasons.... using the shock in the sports world to divert attention from the looming task of uniting all of the worlds communication satellites into one network which will be controlled from a very limited number of places... Though this has posed many questions to the sports world and it's fans, it has definitely answered an equally large mystery.... that of why it is exactly Charles Barkley was not a role model? Well let's just say that Mango got famous somehow.... and a grown man dressed in a nighty, sporting bunny ears, isn't really the best role model for many things. Much less a person that would go around braging about being a role model.

Microsoft has not responded to inquiries pertaining to possible law suits in regard to this situation and their obvious relationship with Paul Allen.Steve Jobs was reported to be very jealous... Mango could not be reached for comment... we were told he was playing hide and seek under the covers with his imaginary friends.