Mile High Stadium No Longer Actually A Mile High

Mile High Stadium is officially NOT a mile high. With the new construction and design, it has specifically been kept from attaining such a mark in the hopes of alleviating any former fears of being "a mile high."


This was done in an effort to widen the target market and boost attendance as research had shown that people were just plain old afraid of heights. Most people that didn't attend any functions at the former "Mile High Stadium" made such decisions because of a very common fear. That of being too high. It likens to the paranoia induced with modern marijuana use, studies have shown.


This was established beyond any doubt when it was pointed out that no one ever stays on the 18th step of the city hall there in Denver. The 18th step is said to be exactly one mile high. It obviously scares people.


In hopes of reclaiming those lost dollars, the new stadium has been purposefully designed to hover just under the one mile mark.


Many coach's and players have breathed a sigh of relief in this, knowing that it will mean less work for them to try and become accustomed to the atmosphere and climate at one mile high. Besides, many of them were tired of competing for locker room space with people doing everything that they could to get into the "mile high club" without having to risk flight in an airplane.


The architects and engineers of the new stadium have happily reported that the fans who actually attended Mile High for the "lite Headed" effect, need not worry... they have done everything they can to preserve the thrill of the effect between over consumption of alcohol and other substances and the natural altitude of the venue. In fact, plans have been revealed to use this facet for the purpose of a interactive element within the functions at the new Not Quite Mile High Stadium.


The beer booths have been positioned so as to create a "race track" type of feel. This will coordinate with sponsored competitions within the stadium for the fans in attendance. The object is very simple really, and performs the service of re-establishing and imposing the former effect of being drunker than shit more than a mile above sea level. The new system in the new stadium will require a bit of physical effort from those who are to participate.


Essentially, it was discovered that if a bunch of really drunk guys try to sprint from one beer booth to the next, chug a beer (or five or six), then again sprint for the next beer booth and so on....that the resulting physical effect on the participant is very near that of simply being blotto at 5,280 feet above sea level... especially when you are not used to it. It seems to happen faster as well.


Drunk, probably fat and half naked guys staggering around the arena should prove to retain that "old time" feel as well. Even in the event of cardiac arrest, passing out... vomiting....


Though no one could be reached for comment on this, it is widely known in the fan population that this activity is going to be at least as big as the sports themselves. There is even talk of including the visiting teams locker room sauna as a part of the course of action designed for the fans in attendance. An anonymous source was reported as saying that " there should really be no problem with including the locker rooms in the event... as all of the players will be out on the field during this procession... except maybe during the last lap... but that should be no problem really... the guys that are still in it on the last 'round the stadium, won't be in any shape to mess with anyone any how.... And in the event of drunk, naked guys and maybe some chicks, passed out in the locker room.... really, there isn't much there that's all that different anyhow... and you can just step over drunk guys passed out on the floor... these are professional athletes we are talking about... if they can't manage to step over a drunk guy... why are they making all that money as sports figures for? It wouldn't be very athletic to not be able to step over a drunk guy, now would it?"


The Photo included is short list of the new facilities, numbered for the purpose of identification;

#9- :Beer Booth's

#8- :The locker room sauna's

#1-7 and #10 - 12: Places that should have been more beer booth's